Store Science

When you're single or of the pre-parent crowd, a trip to the grocery store is an easy in-and-out stop that goes without a thought.  Whether you want some popcorn for the uninterrupted movie you have Netflixed that night(lucky SOB) or you want to stand and sample the deli products(making an educated decision) you can. Luxury! If you do have "little ones" tagging along for the ride though, this is another one of those processes that requires a map, a list and a detailed plan of attack. It goes past the basic knowledge of who has the best produce (Fresh Market), who has the best baked goods (Smiths), or the best meat for miles (worth a trip to R &A every time). You can't just go in there all willy nilly, wandering around aimlessly without a care. That's how you get into the all hated "screaming demon" zone. We all  have went though it, (we've felt the dagger stares of hatred sent our way)but trust me, there are ways around it. 

     If you have made more than a few stops at a given grocery store, you have learned by now which aisle shares its space with "the toy section". Unless you are one of those people that's just willing to buy one every time to keep the peace(we are nothing alike), it's imperative that you avoid this aisle at all costs or at a minimum save it for last. But those "considerate" clerks have made this even more difficult by placing a $5.99 Twinkie holder or bag of farm animals  halfway down every single aisle.  Successfully distract your descendants away from that fact and you can cut down your chance of a Defcon 5 blow-up  at least 80%. Easy.

    Now, if you see a mother with small children (or any children really) tagging along, know she is in a hurry. She isn't there to visit. She isn't there to browse around and kill some time. Unless she is one of those Moms that is immune to the "you took too long, now I'm going to lose my mind" sounds that can erupt without warning(again we are nothing alike, I can't take it). But there is away to send out a signal that your not looking to socialize when your radar senses someone is of that opinion(or you are just avoiding eye contact pretending you didn't see someone. Admit it, we have all done/had that done to us). All you have to do, is grab the item directly in front of you(even if it's tampons or anti-diarreals, there's no room for humility) and pretend to read the label or ingredients. "No time to talk here, I need to know if this is real plastic or how many grams of carbs per serving this box of croutons totes!" You have to make it convincing though, no deer in a headlight looks or knocking items off of the shelf in a panic. Just read long enough to suffice and keep it moving, eye on the prize people!

  You also have to be aware of the many "creepers" wandering the area and learn to either interact briefly with or deflect efficiently. There are the lonely "older" gentlemen that make the pilgrimage there for the sole reason that they want small talk.  Smile, say hello, be friendly (respect your elders people), make a quick joke even. But trust me, keep walking slowly.  If you stop, your next half hour is scheduled for you.  Although, If I do happen to be alone, a cool story about their life or experience isn't at all Un-welcome(within reason). On the flip side of the coin though, are the lonely "younger" men (not gentlemen) that somehow take your frazzled look, the angry grumbles to your already fed-up children and your speed walker like pace as an invite for a come-on. "Clearly that woman has time to hear my best lines, and wants too." Deflect! There is no etiquette required here. All bets are off and any response is accepted. Go with your "motherly" instinct. 

Trust me, I have spent years developing this science. Research has been done, experiments carried out, blood and tears have been shed(Ok, maybe not blood. I tend to exaggerate)and trust me, the results are irrefutable. Although I can't guarantee that you'll never have to worry about a meltdown again(just Monday my kid made a showing the likes of which I've never seen), but they can be fewer and farther between if you use these tricks accordingly! Or you can always just wait until your husband comes home, say you forgot something and tell him you"ll be "real quick" while you sneak your two page list into your pocket. Either way.