Unfortunate Employment

      One of my friends just opened my eyes up to what is probably hands down, the worst winter job ever. I'm ashamed to say, that I hadn't even considered it when thinking of the least tempting trades to take on during this snowy season. Yes, I have thought of this before, yearly even. They're everywhere you look! Next time you pull in to your local lube station(for an oil change gutter brain) and ask for the full service(yes, we're still talking about auto maintenance here) think about that poor man in the pit having to wade through the mud and muck caked to your chassis while ensuring that your vehicle acquires the attention necessary for its prime performance. He's down there braving all of the usual grease and grime that comes standard with the trade, but now he has the added bonus of ducking and dodging the 20 pounds ice glaciers migrating south from your wheel wells.  Without the safety of a hard hat or at least the wetness protection of a poncho I might add! Eye-opening. As bad as this position is (and it's pretty bad) there is more than one "less than jolly" job to hold this time of year. Let's give a virtual toast to all of those who most deserve atleast a swig of spiked egg nog this holiday season.
     Cheers to the cheery gift wrapper girl manning the paper station.  All of the handy work you spend literally minutes on producing for our lazy butts, will last milliseconds at the most in the hands of the eager receiver I plan on giving it to, yet you somehow put the same pride into each package that you produce. On top of that, you do it sans any warm beverages or Hallmark movies to motivate the Christmas mood. I (and anyone else getting a gift from me that doesn't look like a dog wrapped it) thank you!
     You too, polite pedicurist with a "walk-ins welcome" policy on your centrally located mall station. Your choice of high traffic prime real estate practically guarantees that you will encounter us wearing our sweaty winter boots with heavy wool socks. Stylish to wear, smelly to share. You are a fearless warrior laughing in the face of the dreaded winter feet and taking them from frightening to fancy in one short visit while we relax. We all thank you!
     Probably one of the most deserving of some "Christmas Cheer", is the poor Hickory Farm sample tray circulator. You stand in font of your beautifully displayed party tray providing paradise and brave the massive hoard of holiday shoppers looking for a "free" anything. With that complimentary price on your summer sausage filled platter, I will turn that "please take one" suggestion and interpret it as an invite to an all you can eat buffet with crackers on the side. I know you dread spotting me in the crowd and I (like most patrons) rarely purchase after "tasting", but you still let me use and abuse your generosity. Thank you for the yearly free lunch!
     It's surely the season for giving and appreciating and I wish I could give more to those that appreciate it. But alI I can do is acknowledge that you deserve to be thanked and recognized for your contribution to the Christmas season. If we lived in more liberal times I would deliver libations to each of you. It's definitely the thought that counts though, so know that I (and the tens of people reading this) are thinking of you today. Cheers!

Nightmare Before Christmas: Friday The 13th

    It's Friday the 13th! This is a creepily "unlucky" occasion that should only come around in the month of October. Am I right? We're supposed to be nestled all snug in our beds while visions of sugarplums dance in our heads. Not thoughts of some psycho freaky Jason out roaming the darkness and planning our immediate demise from which there is no escape! It just doesn't scream holiday cheer the same way an Elf like movie can(or maybe it does, I don't know your life). Call me crazy! But maybe there is a way to mix the two completely opposite holiday seasons Nightmare Before Christmas style(maybe not too, this could be a disaster).
  What if Elf on a Shelf...you know...actually did what the book says? Some tiny little man with a silly name and creepy perma-grin glued on his face spends all day watching every move you make. Judging you! Like one of those spooky pictures in a haunted house whose eyes only move when you're not looking. All the while taking mental notes and holding all the power as to which list you end up on? Naughty or nice? Then at night when we have slipped off to a peacefully clueless slumber, "Sid" stands up from whatever post he's taken that day and flies! Just thinking about it gives me the creeps and makes me feel a lot better about "misplacing" that little bastard this year. Worst narc ever.
    Then there are the Christmas carolers. This seemingly harmless bunch just want to stand and your porch uninvited and share the holiday spirit through song. Joyous!  Imagine though, if we mixed the two holidays and this tradition was done wearing Halloween costumes instead of festive robes with muffs. Answering the door to a group of zombie or Hannibal Lector impersonators singing "He sees you when your sleeping" will send you back to the days of a nightlight quicker than you can say "Happy Holidays". There is no amount of spiked egg nog that can make that any less creepy. The two don't mix!
     It doesn't take much imagination to turn The grinch into a horror story. He's pretty much there (for the first 3/4 of the tale anyway). Some Sesame Street looking castaway living in the Hills Bigfoot style. Just waiting and watching the joy build up enough so that you least expect the home invasion he will later spring on your perfectly festive home! He'll take the presents. Yes, he'll take the tree. But worst of all, he takes the entire feast right down to the roast beast. No holiday leftovers?? Nightmare of epic proportions, I say!
     Without a doubt, a December Friday the 13th just doesn't belong. Now is no time for thoughts of the scary or sleep depriving nightmares of creepy puppets!  I propose that I n the event that this happens again during the holiday season, we just call it the umpteenth. December umpteenth, the day we pretend it's not what it is and go on our "Merry" way sharing some Christmas "cheer" with our family and friends. Much better!

Just Another Day In Paradise

     Have you ever heard the saying, "I asked for patience and was given more chances to be patient"? Well, yesterday was a day full to the brim of just those chances. Not only that, but chances to choose what chances to be patient take priority over the next ones! Mom skills a plenty all working together in one big cluster of nutty fudge!
     Standing out above the rest though, is when I put my coffee in the microwave hoping to reheat the French vanilla flavored beverage, only to hear a panicked "MOMMA" coming from the room of my "ever so helpful" toddler. Before I could even push start on the warmer too, which would turn out to be for the best as I would soon find out. No quicker did I reach said bedroom to discover that not only did he figure out how to get his diaper off all by himself, he chose to do so after the result of way too much apple juice had commenced testing the maximum capacity limits of the "seven layers" of dryness Luvs had advertised(they lie by the way), then do I hear an equally urgent "MOM" coming from the room I just left un-scathed. Afraid to take my eyes off of the imminent "contain and clean-up" Hazmat grade disaster laid out in front of me, I yell in my most shocked and frustrated voice, "whaaaat now?"
"I was just trying to help..." I hear in a guilty whisper. Well, it's never good to get that response from a seven year old(bless his heart) bull in a china closet.
"What does that mean? I'm kind of busy up here!"
"I thought you could use some coffee(poor kid could see his Mommas call for patience from a mile away) and I tried to get it out of the microwave for you." (See why it was a good thing I didn't start it yet?)
   For those of you who haven't been to my house, my microwave is eye level for me and I'm 5'10". So this sweet little boy was about as able to reach this full and lidless cup of joe, as I was able to predict my other son was going to treat his carpet, pants and shoes to a bath of poop soup. Equally impossible. But he did try, and in doing so covered himself, the entire counter, my phone and IPad (pretty impressive really) in a creamed coffee coating! Perfect timing!
    So now, I'm faced with one of those decisions that literally make you feel like peoples lives depend on the choice you make, when the worst case scenario is really just some carpet cleaner, a change of clothes and a revised Christmas list. The call was made(by myself, since these events always seem to coincide with my husbands work trips) to shed the soiled clothes of both and wipe up the "waste". He can run around naked while I assess the damage downstairs, we're all family here. I then closed off one crime scene to attend to the other. No rest for the wicked, they say.
    A few soiled towels, a couple baths and a couple hours later, all was back to "normal" in the Cowan house. Even the electronics seemed to come out of the catastrophe no worse for the wear, surprisingly. Chock it up as another chance taken to prove my patience(or lack of) and a lesson learned to never ask for more again!

Smells Like Success

     During the holiday season, it's sensory overload.  Between the blitz of bright lights adorning every abode to the constant stream of Christmas music coming from every speaker you pass by, it's the most festive time of year. However, out of all the sense stimulators, the smells of the season stand out above the rest. There's the baking of cookies, the fresh pine scent coming from an actual tree(not the kind hanging from your rear view mirror) and candles that smell so much like actual sugar cookies that nobody's wise to the fact you haven't rolled out any real ones in years! Beautiful! I truly feel though, that the candle industry has neglected to address a few major smells that I for one (being of redneck affiliation) would burn down year round, 24/7 style.
      Where is my "Eu de toilette: Auto Parts store"candle? I don't know what it is about the aroma of tire cleaner mixed with Armor All that makes me smile, but there is no other scent that comes to mind quicker when I think of my favorites. It makes me want to throw on some coveralls and spend my afternoon changing my oil like the good old(pre-honda engine that looks like the result of a trash-compactor) days.  Where's that little tree air freshener?
      I would buy a "scent-o-campfire smoke on your clothes" candle in a hot minute. What other smell could bring the essence of the summer season to your living room when it's -45 degrees outside for five months? Thoughts of all the trips taken to the desert down low or mountains up high come to mind and practically demand that an adult beverage be enjoyed! I would breathe in that sweet smell with a beer in hand and reminisce.
    A "bouquet of a burger joint: Rays Tavern"style burner would be worth top dollar in the Utah circuit. I've yet to meet anyone(because I choose not to interact with that type of person) who doesn't just hear the word "Rays" and start salivating like they're lost in the desert and staring at an oasis.  Just thinking about it now makes me want to drive the 60 miles to heaven and satisfy this craving before it turns into an all out grilled beef patty obsession. If you could just light a wick in your kitchen and insight that type of reflexive response, what's not to love? Instant road trip inspiration!
     If it was possible, the biggest purchase of perfumed wick burners for women like me would be the "whiff of a working man". The scent of a man devoid of any axe type body sprays or overpowering colognes is a pheromone the market has yet to monopolize on. Not all females like their significant others to smell as if they are attending their first high school dance and have to cover the stench of their nervous sweat with a gallon of knockout gas. The just finished a shift working hard to support a family coupled with the bold aroma of confidence and a hint of Old Spice deodorant is the sexiest smell ever to emanate from anything, ever.  Put that on a shelf and I dare say we could watch it sell out faster than any of its Pumpkin spice scented competitors. Get on it Glade!
    There's is no doubt that if I was in a position of influence to the scented candled industry, the line-up would house aromas never before considered by some scientist in a lab coat. Gone would be the island breeze or banana cream and in would come the Corona with Lime and ATV ride through the Cedar trees. Don't mind me, I'm just over here making the world a better place one step at a time.

50th Special Edition Countdown

      Break out the champagne or Memosas, it's time to celebrate! I've hit a milestone in my life! It's the big 5-0 for me(no not years, I've got a few miles left before I cross that bridge). Today is my 50th blog entry! Time flies when your having fun right? It's like the midlife crisis of my blog life. Maybe I should go buy it a corvette and get its ear pierced. Pick up some "cool clothes" and find it a younger girlfriend. I'll probably just choose some of the best moments from the last 50 entries though. Cue the wavy line, harp playing Wayne's World style flashback as we countdown the top 5 entries thus far!
#5:Well I Was Born In A Small Town.  (Within three readers of both Hunger Games:Women Edition and Hair Raising Detail) this was one of the funnest posts to write and one of the most reflective when referring to how "small town" I really am. I'm like my own country song minus any "being drunk the day my mom got out of prison" type experiences(David Allen Coe kiddos, look it up). I love every dirt road driving, shotgun shooting, buck spotting and sunset gazing aspect of my lifestyle. So when writing about that part of my personality(really the main part), I had "more fun than a tornado at a trailer park". My only hope is that I didn't make it sound too good and convince anyone that already doesn't live here to now do so. Admire from afar people or I'll just have to move to get away from the "city".
#4: No Balls. Shall we say, controversial? This entry received more "anonymous" angry messages than any other to date. I guess people either don't like my thought that we are slowly turning our kids into glass figurines with no ability to handle difficult social situations(which they will face every day regardless of covering them in bubble wrap) or my clever play with the word "balls". Obviously not my target niche. Funnest post ever!
#3: Birds With An Attitude And Their Little Pigs Too. It's the third most popular post that I've written and the first most annoying aspect of my daily life. If it wasn't for needing it to write this thing everyday(and Facebook), I would throw this IPad in a river and watch it sink slowly down taking all eight of the Angry Birds apps that it harbors right along with it. Then I would toast to the death of those little bastards and never speak of them again. Hope that I never run into you in a dark alley app creators(disclaimer: all threats on any app creators safety are purely fictional and used to demonstrate my frustrations in the addictive nature of said game on my son and in turn my life 24/7).
#2: Politics, Religion and Her. Call this one my answer to the criticism of my topic choices. At the time, I was receiving daily "helpful suggestions" from a person who repeatedly chose to remain nameless about the content(or lack of) in my musings. They have since stopped and to be honest, I miss sharing that back and forth banter with my very own Jane/John Doe. Where else can I get called a "heathen" or be accused of disrespecting religion? It's left a void in my soul that nothing can fill! Maybe they have just found a better use for their time and attention, like doing literally anything else. Dammit, now I have that song in my head, "talk about anything. But politics, religion and her..." now you do too!
#1:Knocked out by the knocked up. This was by far my most popular post based on the shear number of readers and page shares alone and it wasn't even my idea for a topic! All the thanks for this hormonally unbalanced entry goes to Heele Mascaro. For my 30th post, I decided to choose the topic from the suggestions of all those reading them and this one screamed out "pick me for all the pregos"! Plus, I had over 18 months of personal experience to relate to. Who doesn't want to make the world a better place for those bearing children? I know I do and I hope that in a small way, I did if just by saving one woman from one insensitive "size based" comment alone.
Yes, we've laughed, we've cried and I truly feel like we've really grown together as a group through facing our shared inner demons ...or just laughing at our own expense. Cheers and here's to many more!

Poor Kids of Progress

      Last night, I watched my seven year old son finish reading an actual chapter book that only took him two days to read(yes I'm bragging, don't judge me). This is a kid that lives and breathes for the App Store, so to see him use his hands to turn pages instead of slide them and read me lines from this "awesome" story instead of filling me in on every move he has made in the last five minutes of Angry birds was like spotting Big Foot in person! Rare to say the least! It's just not as common anymore to see kids carrying books around and spending quiet time lost in a literary world of wonder instead of a virtual one. Once again I found myself thinking about how different his childhood is from the one that I got to live. There's no comparison! I feel sorry for the kid(thought that was going somewhere else didn't you).Growing up in the 80's and 90's dream decades was an experience I wouldn't trade for all the MP3s, USBs or PS3s(I'm aware that's out of date, but it rhymes) in the modern world. There are so many things we did back then that he'll probably never do.
     We used to start a new club every week! We would think of some awesome name like like "The kids of Carson Avenue" or "Barbie Doll Players"(super creative I know) and start organizing what was sure to be the most sought after group to belong to in all of the three mile radius! You had to find members (you and your best friend) and pick a head quarters. Ours was usually my Dads hat room in the basement (the man has like 3,000 hats). It was close enough to my parents candy cupboard to keep the snacks stocked aplenty and far enough away from prying ears to be able to talk about "secret stuff". Very important in the life of an 7-11 year old kid.
      What about night games! There wasn't an evening that if it was warm enough when those street lights went on, we weren't out living it up small town style! You knew every kid and which ones you wanted on your team for which games. Capture the flag called for those with speed and cat like agility to keep from getting caught, while hide and seek or sardines were more suited for the ones who knew how to go over a minute without talking(not my strong suit). Everybody played until enough moms had stood on their porches calling the players home.
       You sat down and watched shows as a family, mainly because most households had only one television instead of 3 or more. Whether it was the lineup you waited for all week on TGIF(Family Matters, Full House, Americas Funniest home Videos) or waking up the next morning for Saturday morning cartoons(Looney Tunes, Scooby Doo, DuckTales, etc.), you watched them together without a thought that one day you would see these same shows duplicated a million times over and be able to skip the commercials on your private DVR.  Now we have 5 T.V.s in our house and at any given time, at least three of them are on. There's only four of us living here!
       These kids will never wake up on their birthday to a shiny new Sony Walkman waiting for them and spend all day rollerblading around town wearing said Walkman and listening to a Nirvana tape(never understanding a single thing they're talking about). Those two things were a constant part of my wardrobe for at least 5 years of my life and I'd be lying if I said that I didn't still wish I had kept both. Although my niece did get a pair of rollerblades last Christmas, so all is not lost for our future generation....still waiting for tapes to make a comeback though.
       The movies that were made during that time are eternally entertaining! I have yet to see anything come close to touching the cinematic icons like ET, the Karate Kid, Goonies, Big, Indiana Jones or the Great Outdoors. Yes today's special effects make theirs look like a playtime puppet show, but we didn't care! One word: Ghostbusters. Top that, any movie, ever made, anytime!
       Those were simpler times spent doodling MASH games in our Trapper Keepers planning our future. You ran home in time to see that crazy Zack Morris get in and out of another pickle in all of 22 minutes and then called your friends on a land line number you had memorized(I couldn't call home without my cell now)!  When I tell these things to my son now, I get that same look that I'm sure I gave my parents and I'm sure we're both thinking the same thing at the same time....poor kids don't know what they're missing.

Hunger Games: Women Edition

      It's no secret that women are beautiful, graceful creatures full of love and compassion. However, it's also no mystery that sometimes there can be, how should I put it, a dark side hidden underneath that seemingly soft exterior. We can go from fixing your hair to pulling it out, cuddling you close to cursing your name or singing your praises to the silent treatment faster than you can say "nice shoes!" It's a handle with care type situation that should probably come with a warning label for your own safety. But as bad as we can be to the boys who share our space(or our bedrooms), the trials we throw at each other can make the Hunger Games look like child's play. Amateurs! Here are just a few ways us heroines can act more like villains when you know how to spot the "not-so-subtle" signs of the spiteful.
     There's the "backhanded complimenter". She the one that says "Oh, wow! You really look great...now." Your first thought is nothing deeper than, oh how nice of her to say so. She's so sweet. Then after the initial imprint of the comment sinks deeper, the insinuations rise higher. Well, how the hell did I look before then? Here I was under the impression that all was well in the appearance area when really there was nowhere to go but up. Thank you for your astute observation and for your subtle addition of a single word to burst my beauty bubble. B word.
     We also have the "divide and conqueror".  This is the one who can't enter a group of two or more women(males are exempt for some reason) and simply add to the enjoyment of the experience with their presence. No, they need to first split up said group of gals to place herself in a prime position. She needs to have the say, make the decisions and choose who can participate in this imaginary power struggle. Once you let this lady into your midst, you can spend years repairing the damage left in the wake of her warfare. Just say no!
      The "rain on your parader" is no doubt one to watch out for.  If you have big news to share, she will somehow squash it with her sly methods of downplay. "I got that job I was hoping for!" You scream excitedly hoping for some sign of celebration. "Oh, I heard you were the only one that applied". Really? Where's the love? Would it kill you to smile and muster out a "good for you" type sentiment? Remember what to do if you don't have anything nice to say?
    The "rumor spreader" is an especially dangerous specimen. There is no fact finding or verifying of a particular claims validity in her program. Her M.O. is nothing more than a life sized game of telephone for one. "Oh did you hear Christina's feet smell horrible?" You don't know that to be a true characteristic. Maybe she had been involved in some sort of athletic activity that day or was just wearing thicker socks than the season called for. By your random repeating of this rumor you could have easily ruined flip flop Friday for Christina and in turn, made her have to completely rethink her summer wardrobe. Loose lips sink ships people!
       By far the worst of the maleficent (not fair) maidens, is the "two faced femme fatale".  It's much easier to spot this villain in a batman movie than it is in real life.  She is the one you dig deep with and bear your soul to based on the ingenious way they present themselves as a trusted friend. You tell her your secrets, share your thoughts and dreams, spill some dirt even under the guise of sisterhood when really it's just a ruse. You have no way of knowing that she is just saying she loves your singing voice when really she has been uploading videos of your karaoke "skills" on YouTube to be mocked by the masses. Be careful who you trust (and who you serenade) for your own sake.
      It really is a jungle out there in the world of womanhood. There are dangers everywhere armed with curling irons and curbed consciences. Mean girls isn't just a movie. But have no fear females. Buried behind the vines and quick sand pits, there is a treasure trove full of trusted friends. They're your reward for all the battles fought and won through years of making mistakes (if you have learned from them). Once, you have found your friends for life there's nothing left but to sing out "We are family" Sister Sledge style....and they won't even notice if you can't hit the notes.

Ant vs. Grasshopper

     While I sit here drinking my coffee and watching the snow bury the leaves blanketing my entire yard, I'm cursing myself for once again waiting to long to use the damn leaf blower for 15 minutes and save that weekend in the Spring I will now spend digging that soggy mess out of the gravel.  This is nothing new, I am the queen of procrastinating. Wait to buy the new gallon of milk until I have talked my son into eating a bowl of dry Captain Crunch like it's popcorn, putting off filling up my gas tank until the drive to the station may easily end with my having to push the truck the final 40 feet(yes I know it's just as easy to keep the top half full as it is the bottom, but where is the adventure in that) and I'm always the crazy lady buying/wrapping Christmas presents on the eve of the holiday itself. But I'm not without ambition to better myself and turn around my lazy ways. I have big plans!
      If it were completely up to me, I would have a food storage that would rival a store house with its masses. Yes there's a chance I'll never need it, but what if I do? Government collapse(a real one), outbreak of some deadly disease spread by consuming massive amounts of fast food or a Zombie Apocalypse that forces us to hole up in the garage and live it out hermit style. Nothing's impossible right? If nothing else, I could take the place of the local grocer and people would come for miles to trade or barter for a bag of beans. Show me the goods!
      Along with the cache of canned goods, I would have a medicine cabinet that could double as a pharmacy. From heartburn to heart breaks, stuffy nose to "stuffed to full of frankfurters", I'll have the prevention, the treatment and the cure. Just call me Dr. Mom.  Then on mornings like this one, when I wake up expecting a normal Tuesday only to discover some mystery rash has taken over my seven year olds skin, I would have every form of Benadryl to have ever sat on a store shelf and wouldn't have to convince him to swallow the boring adult medicine in pill form. "It doesn't even taste like grape!" Where were you with your spoon full of sugar on that one Poppins? Unprepared!
      Yes, if I was a wiser woman(or at least one with a higher inclination for preparation), I would do the work now to save twice as much later. I would write a list of things I'm out of for when they're needed again and I would have that Christmas tree with presents to shake and sniff for weeks before the big day instead of minutes. I would be more like the ant and less like grasshopper. Then again, that grasshopper does have way more fun during the summer season....good thing the super store is open 24 hours.

The Sights, The Sounds, The.....

     Driving home from a weekend getaway in "Sunny and 65" Mesquite, Nevada headed home to a depressing 22 degree Price, Utah, I realized that I have neglected to address a major experience that we have all faced at least once in our lifetime(or many more times depending on your drinking habits). It's the routine visit to a truck stop restroom. I know this is usually the kind of conversation better kept behind closed doors for those of you with more class than I carry, but I have the tendency to discuss the distasteful. It's a road hazard twice as common as any other traveling trouble. Plus, it's unavoidable! When given the choice between staring down the barrel of a "No service for the next 110 miles" sign after you've downed a big gulp or braving the trenches of a truck stop toilet, you'll brave that bathroom every time. Well, Saturday afternoon I found myself in that exact situation, making that same decision and the experience was exactly what I would have expected.
     For starters, there's nothing worse than opening a door to the terrible unknown and finding out that your immediate future will be spent spending an uncomfortable 10+ minute wait in the worst of lines. "Should I wait? Maybe I'll just leave. Maybe that sign is old and there's really a nicer establishment down the road with the kind of hygienic facilities a travelers dreams are made of....ah dammit, no such place exists. Fine!" So you settle in for the most awkward, eye contact avoiding, pretend everything is falling on deaf hears, people watching event you'll ever put yourself though on purpose. For an overly observant person like myself, it's a nightmare of epic proportions.
     It never fails that I have to wait next to the woman who never misses a chance to crack a joke or start up some discussion all while pretending it's completely normal to introduce herself to strangers standing next to the paper towel dispenser. What about this forced sharing of the most private of processes makes you think That I not only want to know, but I care about your Uncles ex-Wife who's also the Mayors Sister? Your need to vent is clashing with my need to get back on the road lady! Put up or shut up...preferably both.
    Then there is the woman talking on her cell at a volume even the astronauts in space can listen in on. She is completely fine with the whole world(or the twelve other women in the room including small talk Sally) getting a play by play of her recent trip to the "girly doctor". The only good thing that comes from encountering this lady in the lavatory, is gaining the knowledge not to use the same one that she does. Thanks for the tip Tina! Now please hang up the phone and finish this step in silence.
      The front of the line is inevitably occupied by the old woman who lived in a shoe and all 18 of her children too! Pro: knowing that the only stall she's going to seize up is the handicap one due to the sheer size of her "party" alone. Less options for her equals more options for me! Con: having one of said 18 tots poke their head under my stall of secrecy. Uncomfortable!
     Finally, I spot (like I always do with my loathsome luck in lavatories)the last person you want to see doing the last thing you want to see them doing. It's the convenience clerk ignoring the flashing neon "Employees must was hands" beacon while doing the walk of shame from her stall to the exit sign. Add that to the list of reasons why gas station sushi is never a good idea.
      Walking outside after that stifling scene of un-sanitation and out into the fresh Utah air is the most freeing feeling I'm sure one can ever experience(short of escaping a prison type situation or finishing up your shift at the shit farm). On that short trip back to the truck, I'm anticipating seeing the familiar faces and all of that thought provoking adult conversation I'm going to enjoy once I step inside that clean cab. Refreshed and reseated I turn to my seven year old son in time to hear "Hey Mom, drop a load?" Ah...high hopes.

Many Thanks!

    Happy Thanksgiving! Yes I realize I'm a day early, but by this time tomorrow I fully plan to be at least one quarter into what will eventually culminate into a complete food coma. Step one: Breakfast Buffett, what else? So I thought I would take the time now (while I can form thoughts that don't completely revolve around what item to next shove into my pie hole) to give some honest, open appreciation for all that I have to be thankful for.
    For starters, I was born into a family like no other. Like the song says,"Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough, to keep me from you!" I know I have given them every reason to run for the hills and yet here they stand. Hugging me, kissing me and inviting me along for every adventure we can conjure up together. I was a mouthy, rebellious, patience testing son-of-a sweet, sweet mother and Father and you loved me through it all. Thank you for being the funnest, toughest, most inviting, accepting, laugh inducing, smile causing, adventure going, courage causing, confidence building, honest and open family in this world. Dreams are made from the life we live and there's not a day that I don't realize it even more.
   Next, right when I needed him the most, I met my Christopher. He came in with a cache of classic country music and I knew from the first minute we spent together that I never wanted to spend one without him. He makes me stronger as a person, humors my sense of humor(shakes his head most of the time), pushes me past my limits and loves me with no end. Watching the son you are to your parents, the friend you are to your friends and the father you are to our boys makes me the luckiest wife to ever have a husband. You are the most grounded man I have ever met in the way that you not only know who you are, you are completely confident in yourself. Not only did you give me your forever, you gave me a second family in yours and to say they make me feel like their own is beyond an understatement.  People said we were crazy eight years ago getting married in a flash, but we're still here more in love every day! Who's crazy now?
     In the sense of saving by the best for last, I am beyond lucky to have the two boys that I do(three including sweet Jake dog). I don't know what it was, but I definitely did something right to get to spend my days with them. Cameron with his sweet sensibility and his intuition to know exactly how a person is feeling and what they need at any given time is a trait beyond his years. He brings out the best in everyone around him. To say that he is a smart, imaginative seven year old doesn't even scratch the surface of his nature.  By far though, the biggest thing I am thankful to learn from you is to be yourself, always. People will love you for who are are and not what you can do. It took the knowledge of a seven year old to make me understand that. Then there's Christian. Oh boy you are so full of life and energy! You have a spirit that motivates you to just get up and do! From your "Super Boo Boo" alter ego  to your larger than life mentality, you will turn the world on its head as soon as you pass 2 1/2 feet tall. You want to try anything and everything you see being done and the word "can't" isn't in your already huge vocabulary. You make me want to climb mountains and scream from the peaks buddy. Thank you for being a spitfire ball of energy and still stopping to hug me on your way by.
     These are the blessings I have to bear not only on a single day in November but every day that I am breathing. The rest, well it's materialistic stuff acting as the sprinkles on an already perfect Sunday. So spend this four day weekend noticing all that you have to smile about and savor it. Maybe even watch a little football while you're at it. I know I will. Happy Thanksgiving!

Waving Good-bye To The War Of Will

    Last night I had a dream that I was literally being pushed around in a wheel barrel eating a plate of smothered burritos...let that picture burn a hole in your brain for a minute. Now, all of you dream decoders or psychology majors(even people who have read one to many a self help book) may interpret this as my internal realization that as we age our metabolism slows causing the "fruits" of an unhealthy lifestyle to be harder to reverse. When really, it stems from a joke that I make every time I catch someone "noticing" my healthy appetite. I have been an eater my entire life and I know that I have said this before, but minus menudo, I have yet to find a dish that I don't find delicious. My Mom has always told me that people assumed she would be happy by a cheaper grocery bill when my "baby" big brother moved to college, but in actuality, it was I who cut that bill in half. Your welcome Mom! But seriously, without this "gift of gorge" from above, I would never have found my equally enjoyable(and pant size stabilizing)love of running. You can't have one without the other or the wheel barrel will be less of an interpretation and more of a intervention.
      This time of year though, my habit of hovering over the buffet style hot plates is brought to my attention more than ever (by myself obviously, I have yet to have that overtly honest family member mention it, thanks). It's the holidays! It starts by my trying to convince myself that no "extra helpings are necessary" or that the celery sticks and fat free ranch dip really do taste just as good as the cheese stuffed fried mushrooms and following said advice will save me from the springtime slim down before swimsuit season. Talk about hard to swallow information! I think about all the parties planned for the next 2 months and I always look forward more to all of the appetizers, alcohol and entrees than anything I could possibly unwrap. It's all about preferences people! But this overthinking can suck the fun right out of a sit down dinner before the sweet potatoes have even been served and it has gone on long enough!
     This year I have decided to forego fighting this "war of will" in favor of enjoying all of the feasts and festivities as they come! This silly dance is over partners! After all, you only live once and I'm not going to go down wishing I didn't pass on that plate of pie or that extra ladle of gravy to dip my warm buttery roll in. That's just delicious! Then after Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years have all come and gone and there is nothing but the three most boring months of the year to look forward to, I will be thankful for the memories that I made, all of the prime rib with horseradish that I ate and the willpower to again watch my waistline. Happy holidays!

Top 10 "Ways of The Winter" in Carbon County

    Waking up Sunday morning to our first "skiff of snow"(accurate meteorological measurement), my mind immediately switched over into its winter mode of operation. It's not survival skill status, but the cold definitely carries with it it's own code of conduct here in Castle Country. It's "Modus Operandi" for the months of October through April for our three seasons of winter. So even though this snowfall had only a four hour lifespan(typical), I figured I'd compile a list of the "Top 10 Ways of The Winter" here in Carbon County:
1: The snow plows only come out to help pack down the already un-plowable sheet of ice created by every early bird out getting the worm (morning coffee or paper). Once there, those ice tracks will stay until March so you might as well get used to them. That shit is salt proof!
2: Letting your car or truck run for 15 minutes Un-supervised in your driveway without a second thought to the threat of theft is not only standard, it's necessary. Nobody wants to be behind the person who decided to just "tough it out" and is now blowing a blinding cloud of white smoke out of their frozen tailpipe while they drive through the face sized hole they scraped in the windshield frost using a spare CD case.
3: The day you have prepared for the storm and shopped ahead of time to "stay-in", is inevitably the day the sun is going to shine and you will in turn spend it filled with the false hope that Spring has sprung early for once. Have no doubts, it will storm tomorrow when you have depleted your survival supply of Salsa and chips and will then have to brave the elements anyway to restock your shelves.
4:  You've witnessed a woman wearing a winter grade hoody and coat on top only to look down and see the dreaded winter feet(sans the care and polish standard in summer months)sporting flip flops. What internal temperature control do you have that calls for twice the clothing on top as on bottom? Bring on the common cold!
5: Your morning and evening commutes have turned into a life size pinball machine with a defense strategy. Not only have you learned to read the signs of a not-so-skillful driver in your midst, you've learned to duck and dodge that driver like your life (and your headlights) depend on it. The words "turn into it" are bred into into your bones and take over instinctively whenever your steering wheel and the direction of your cars travel seem to be having a disagreement. It's like the Ice Capades:Carbon County Style.
6: You have used (or have witnessed ) a sheet of mine belting or a car hood as a sled. One old rope and a few brave souls looking for a joy ride can turn a boring winter day into an afternoon full of possibilities. "Can we make that jump with all of our passengers in tow." Only one way to find out!
7: You have a neighbor that loves the sound of his snowblower so much, that he runs it for the entire duration of any "storm". Wouldn't want to let it build up enough to have to run it once or twice, no, that snow isn't settling on his driveway and your not sleeping past 5 A.M. Not on his watch!
8:  You've never had a "snow day" at school. That's sissy stuff us Utahns don't understand. As long as that bus can muster through the snow banks(and it always does), you're going! Deal with it.
9:  For the next 5+ months of permafrost you have more room for the leftovers of family dinners due to your porch now doubling as a cooler. Pro: spotting whose house to "stop in for a visit" at based on the crate of cold Coors sitting next to the front door. Con: having someone help themselves to said crate of suds without the offer to share. Risky perk!
10:  Having the knowledge that if you do find yourself frustrated with the current conditions, just wait five minutes. Carbon County weather is nothing if not fickle! Might as well keep the ball gloves next to the snow gloves just in case...anything's possible in Utah.

Same Old Cliché

  These days you learn more every day that the norm isn't what it used to be and the rules can change faster than you can redo the poster board on the wall accordingly. It's an adapt or die type situation. The dos are now the don'ts and the old don'ts are the new dos. But, whatever you do, if you choose to do the don'ts, at least do them well. Make it worth it!  Believe it or not though, many of the mottos of old still hold water better than a bucket! Prepare to be schooled in how some of the old school is still standard.

      "Don't go to bed angry": You have to think ahead of time on this one. Here you are thinking "Oh it's fine, I'm tired anyway. We'll make up mañana." No! For all you know, there is a Freddy Kreugeresque nightmare in your immediate future and you're going to find yourself wishing you had compromised somehow. It's hard to cuddle up against a wall of resentment. Not comforting!

    "Don't count your eggs before they've hatched": It's timeless advice really. Don't plan your purchase before you possess the funds or you could find yourself up shit creek without a penny for a paddle(Like how I worked another motto into it). It could also just mean your egg-to-cheese ratio is seriously off balance and your omelet will be subpar at best. Either way, it's not pretty.

    "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining": For one, it's just rude(mind your manners) and two, it's misleading. What ever happened to honesty? If you have to sugar coat something, it's probably shit to start with. There are exceptions though.  My poor husband had his feet held to the fire tasting my mediocre meals for the first two years of our marriage. That's just considerate.

    What about "don't judge a book by its cover": More often than not, one has nothing to do with the other. That's more the illustrators fault than the authors. Take me for instance. One the inside, I'm surprisingly put together and confident. There are days though, that the outer layer can look a toddler playing with her Mommas makeup. "Did you get punched in you eyeball?" No, I'm trying that smoky eye thing the kids are wearing nowadays. Don't judge me.

    Finally, "don't get your knickers in a twist": It's as useless as it is uncomfortable for the person whose said skivvies are all askew. Regardless of how rational you may feel, overreacting to something that calls for a mild reckoning at best is just exhausting for all parties involved. "What do you mean you got Mayo?! I specifically said Miracle Whip!!" Calm down crazy.

      We could really go on for days with the "don'ts" of conduct cliches. We haven't even mentioned "Don't rock the boat, don't burn your bridges or don't hold your breath(those all seem fairly obvious).  But for now, I have mentioned all the mottos I could muster in just one sitting. So I'll leave you with this one final thought, "What exactly is a gift horse and where can I find one?"

Accolade Of Accomplishment

    We all have so many parts to our personality with so many colors on our coats, sometimes it can feel like we're our own walking Rubik's cube(just as true as it is tricky). Yes, some of my colors can wear like clown mask. I love to tease, especially myself! You take away a persons ammo they may use against you if you use it first yourself(haven't you seen 8 mile, brilliant). But seriously, I believe you have to be able to laugh at yourself to learn from yourself and one of the things that I have learned to love most about myself is the feeling I get when I finish something. That accolade inherited only by accomplishment.  It can refer to anything for anyone, whether your aspiration is as grande as running an entire marathon or as simple as savoring a meal in silence one day a week. The same satisfaction spreads to all who seek it. Well seek and you shall find right? Let me share with you two of my "go-to" goals that I find yield the best results for those times I find myself eager for excellence.
    Build a bunk bed(or any other equally ingenious piece of Swedish "furniture") from IKEA. I love everything involved in the entire painstaking process from wandering the man-sized maze that is their warehouse design to their incredibly lifelike rendition of actual people doing "what you need to be doing, in the order you need to be doing it" instructional booklets. Those Swedes have it all figured out! Most days I forget to butter my toast before the jam, but throw one of their 8 box projects on my plate and it's as good as done. Serious skill involved there! The feeling of building that furniture from foundation to fruition is not only gratifying, it's a satisfaction that has no equal...well almost.
    Another ambition I love to attempt to achieve is one that isn't nearly as intellectual as it is seemingly impossible. But that's what makes it great! I love a day where your to-do tasks seem to be sans an end in sight and the hits just keep on coming as the day keeps on going. You know you have to commit to your common chores of the day, but with every act that gets thrown into the mix, it makes an already bitter pill even harder to swallow. I don't know how you feel, but I look days like this right back in their beautiful brown eyes and it's on Showdown style! I will run these errands, I will run these miles and I will run my mouth to the cell phone provider until they agree to a rate I feel is reasonable. I will scrub these floors, shower off the stress and shuck that corn. Why? One, because it is my job, yes. But two, because I like to do it well. Call me old fashioned, but I like the pride felt in my proficiency to have my husband walk through the door 12 hours later to a clean house, clean life and either a hot meal or a cold toddy(whatever the day calls for). Beyond fulfilling.
    You have to know your strengths right along with your weaknesses, your wants versus your needs and how to use them all to your advantage...or at least how to fake it until you make it. One day when I do "make it" in the mature world of a career beyond motherhood, I'll know my resume will read something like this: A multi-tasker with a penchant for proving the "impossible" possible and the "tools" required to build a better future. Equally true as it is tricky!

Catching Fire Conundrum

     I've said it before and I'll say it again, I believe everyone is born with a skill they are destined to be great at! Sure, you have to find out what it is first and practice to perfect it, but the point remains. There are athletes, actresses, artists and more. I on the other hand, have spent most of my 30(yes 30, why sugar coat it) years on this planet trying to figure out just what in the Sam hell my "skill" is. I've got many "I'm not bad ats" and even more "it's not much, but it'll dos" but an actual impressive skill to be shown is a different story that has yet to be written into fact. That being said, I am in no way claiming to be without "crafts" completely.
     I'm not only "not bad at", but I'm "pretty close to confident" in my skill to win things on the radio(minus that trip to Nashville I spent a month trying to win for my husband..I'm still upset about that). I have a dialing digit that when it wants to, just can't help but win. Take this morning. I climb in the car just in time to catch "be caller #5 and win tickets for two to the Hunger Games: Catching Fire! Well not only am I a huge fan of this movie(potentially), but also any movie I can watch in a theatre. I mean literally, I saw the remake of Total Recall and was still just happy to be there. Point proven! So yes I call and yes I win! However, all the "woo-hoos" and the "that's rights" were short lived once I realized this is a 10:00 A.M. Friday showing. Damn the luck! I have many things in this world, but what I don't have is anyone not working on a Friday morning and finding themselves with nothing better to do than come over and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for two hours.
     But have no fear! If there is one thing I know without a doubt, it's that there is more than one semi-strength up my sleeve. I have a can-do attitude Un-deterred by a lackluster showing in other areas of expertise. I'm nothing if not committed to the cause and I am proud of my habit to find a way over any hurdle however tall it is. I'm determined to show up at 10:00 A.M. for that showing and prove my prowess under pressure. I'll be there come hell or high water because I'm a doer...and if not, well then I'll have to admit defeat and donate the two tickets back to the founder so that a person more fortunate than I am at finding a babysitter may witness Katniss in all her Catching Fire glory.

Have A Bad Day

     Do you what day it is? What day is it? It's National "Have a Bad Day" Day! Yes, you read that correctly! Look it up. "What is the meaning of this Austin?" Well loyal readers, let me fill you in on all the glorious details so that you too may spend the day acting accordingly(if you dare...and I do). Now I know your minds first instinct is to go "the nice route". It's how we're born and bred. Right now you're assuming (you know what they say about assuming and I'm no ass) "Oh how nice, someone devoted an entire day to teaching us that everybody has a bad day sometimes. That you're not alone in your times of repeated mistakes or struggles, we all have them. Smile anyway, right? Actually, no! The true intention of the day is for people in the customer service industry to trade the usual courtesy of "have a nice day"with a crude "have a bad day" instead. Seems more natural to me and the beautiful thing about it is that this can be celebrated universally! We all know someone we would like to give the proverbial "finger" to. Well, now's your chance!
     I would like to start with whoever it is that watches me pull out of the driveway on a daily basis(especially if I am in a hurry, which I usually am) and dispatches every over 80 year old "Sunday driver" to then position themselves between me and my desired destination. You have somehow figured out every route that I may potentially take on any given day and have them all covered with people going no higher than 12 miles under the speed-limit. Kudos to you for the thorough job you have done, but why don't you take the day off for once?!
     While I'm at it, don't think you're escaping my crosshairs CBS executives. Your decision to cancel my beloved "Vegas" not only ruined my Tuesday night television schedule, the Dennis Quaid withdrawal that followed led to the reality that I have misplaced The Rookie DVD I once owned. Thanks for considering my feelings when throwing this wrench out into the world. You owe me one serving of Quaid quality entertainment of equal or higher value!
      Also, I would like to put myself in a much deserved place of punishment. Without your recent breakdown and purchase of that delicious Reese's puff cereal, you would still be in the dark about the level of pure delight it carries when consumed and would not be facing a daily battle not to eat the whole bag while your son is at school. This is your own fault! Now you have be to spend all that time convincing yourself that Grape Nuts give the same gratification. Good luck with that!
      Days like this don't come around often(technically once a year) so take the time now to focus on the task at hand. But keep in mind tomorrow is a new day full of the same old, same old and those you "stand up to" today may be there lying in wait for an "I'm sorry". Hey, if you can dish it out, you have to be able to take it. It's a "buyer beware" type situation. Thank you and "Have A Bad Day" everybody!

Loyalty Layers

     Awe, friendship. Right from the start, as you go through life, you will have friends(unless you don't, then this probably won't relate to you and you may need to rethink some part of your personality). You will make friends, lose friends, have friends come into your life only to go out, then come back in again later. Welcome back! There are best friends, fast friends and friends for life. Along with the obvious places your pals fit though, are the other less distinctive divisions. Layers of loyalty you didn't even realize existed let alone that you may be a part of! Well, listen and learn!
1: There's the friend you didn't think you'd ever be friends with (maybe even bullied, I don't know your life). The one you considered yourself to be opposite of in every way, only to end up bonding as buddies after discovering a shared love for all things Star Trek. Live long and Prosper!
2: What about the friend of a friend? The friend you get along with great, but for whatever reason, only see when the shared friend is around. Would the world cease to exist if a separate friendship was built sans the founding member? Nothing's impossible, but I say take that risk you rebel you!
3:  Then, there's the friend you only find in a room full of strangers.  The friendly face you can force small talk with if you find yourself without a more familiar option. This is when comments about the weather or a local sports teams success(or lack of) always come in handy."Hot outside, isn't it?" Yep.
4: We all know the "We're only friends because we're family" type. This is the person you keep the peace with if for no other reason than knowing you will be seeing them again at a cousins birthday party or some baby shower. Just find a strong adult beverage you can share and drink until the awkward silences are replaced with awkward chit-chat. Cheers!
5: I love a brutally honest friend. The one that will tell you when you've gained a few pounds or when you have a giant piece of black pepper hiding half of your tooth. While everyone else is sugarcoating the size of the pimple on your forehead, they're offering to pop it for you(or at least conceal it somehow). That's Helpful!
6: Of course you have the "Mature friend". They make you want to act more like an adult when in their presence and you find yourself discussing your philosophy on topics that in no way revolve around bodily functions or the correct time/place to "share" them publicly. Who knew such conversations existed in a world? Sip your champagne with them and enjoy this moment (however brief it may be) of serenity.
7: Finally, there is the "no questions asked" friend. Everyone needs a friend like this and I hope you have one. This is who you call when you need someone who shows up with their head down and their mouth shut.  I'm not saying me(or you) have ever or will ever need to make a call that calls for this kind of secrecy implied situation, but it definitely pays to know they'll be there fast, shovel in hand. Yes, I'm talking about when your truck is stuck in the mud, what did you think I meant? Perspective people!
      I'm 90% positive that I fit into most, if not all of these categories for many reasons. Believe it or not, I have been considered to be abrasive for the sensitive types (considering my instinct to laugh when witnessing people fall down along with my somewhat relentless but good natured tendency for teasing). But I hold faith in the old saying, that "as you get older, if you can count your friends on one hand your lucky". I'm talking real friends too, not just Facebook friends(quality vs. quantity). Luckily for me, I can currently claim this to be true for myself....we'll see what tomorrow brings though, I have been known to offend easily. Fingers crossed!

How To Spot A Psycho: 5 Ways To Unmask The Unhinged

     Recently, I was told by someone who knows me pretty well(as good as you can, I'm clearly a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma) that I'm a good judge of character. I can spot a psycho, a stage five clinger or a Single White Female from a country mile away. What can I say, it's a burden I was born to bear. Ex ray vision style! But don't worry, I'm willing to share my skill set with the masses in hopes of building a better tomorrow and make that wall of trust harder to climb for the "fake". So I've compiled a list of foolproof signs your new friend may be a psycho.

1: They want to be involved in every aspect of every part your life.  From Doctors appointments to putting gas in your car, they want a front row seat to the shit show. "Oh, you have a rash, let me rub ointment on it for you!" No, thanks I'm good over here. Boundaries!
2:  You're hobbies are now their hobbies. Whether or not there was an interest before or not, now it is their only interest! "I know I was deathly terrified of snakes before, but wrangling Rattlers sounds like a perfect way to spend an afternoon!"
3: All of the sudden, you have all of the same friends. "Oh, you know so-and-so too? Me too, we're BFFs! I'm surprised you didn't know that in your years of knowing them before I did!" No, you met them yesterday...at lunch...with me.
4: They flip like a light switch. "You didn't call me back immediately after I called you this morning! Are you mad at me?! Are we not friends anymore?! Oh look our shirts are the same color, it's like we're sisters. I love you. Let's go to lunch!" ...what just happened here?
5: They're forgetful. You can have an all-out friendship ending fight of the decade and the next day they show up at your door with a bag of Fig Newtons and pretend it never happened. "Oh, that wasn't a fight. It was just a disagreement. I know you didn't mean to call me crazy when you spotted me following you two cars behind." Umm, is this the Twilight Zone?
   
    Trust me, if you just use these handy hints, you too will develop a dexterity to spot the delusional. You will be out there ripping masks off of hidden villains Scooby Doo style. "I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that meddling housewife!"

Cynical "Sick-y"

I'm not an angry person. Seriously, I know I'm a very opinionated person coupled with having the tendency to be very vocal person, but sharing those two traits does not an angry person make....except for today. I'm a sick piece of shite today. Having a sore throat and no ability to swallow turns me into a shadow form of my regular self and there are definitely no sunbeams shooting out of my arse! So I'm going to take this temporary pass to be less cheery/more complainy(word?) and voice some annoyances I've been harboring away for a rainy day.

1.   A stopper by.
2.   Runny Macaroni and cheese
3.   Not being old enough to go South for the Winter
4.   Backhanded compliments.
5.   Whining
6.   Mint Tic Tacs (orange or nothing)
7.   Little Einsteins
8.   The smell of Whiskey
9:   Running out of Vodka
10. Any bug with more than two legs
11. Seeded grapes(too much work)
12. Watching T.V. I can't pause
13. Being clumsy
14. CSI: Miami
15. Cats
16. The Taste of Water
17. Hypochondriacs
18. Touching dry towels with dry hands.
19. Preachy people
20. C.D.s
21. The fact that Blockbuster closed
22. That I don't own a Great Dane...yet
23. Child beauty pageants
24. Video games
25. Being sick

Wow, that was pretty freeing. That's the best I've felt in five minutes! Does anyone share any of these complaints, or am I just a solo cynic?

Parental Perks

I know I have written about kids so much that most of you with a low tolerance for anything familial related have already blocked me weeks ago. What can I say? The little buggers have a way of taking over your every waking thought, move, habit, hobby or any other thing that originally didn't directly pertain to their pre-pubescent needs. They're selfish that way. To be fair though, I also have to read your Facebook posts, your Instagrams or just hear your comments in passing about your quiet dinners, your spur of the moment mini-vacations and your mid-week movie nights(you bastards do like to brag). It goes both ways. So, I thought why not take this chance to provide some insight into the perks that are only provided while being in the throws of parenthood. That's right, we're digging into the bag of tricks like a Halloween sack harboring one last mini snickers in its depths.
     Let's start with an obvious one being that it was only lived out two weeks ago. It's Trick or Treating! You can't just go door-to-door sans child and expect to be dealt out the same sweets. We all know the anger felt at the sight of a teenager way past the prime age or size for participation(which is harder if you're like me and hit 5' 10" by the time your 12), let alone some rogue adult out begging for some Reese's Pieces. Can't do it!
      What about trying to take in an animated movie without any adolescents in your party? We've all seen it. I spent half of Cars 2 wondering what the weirdo sitting in front of my son was really up to. A solo man over 50 enjoying the exploits of a cartoon race car and his tow truck buddy raises more than just eyebrows when spotted in the center row. Don't blame me, I didn't write the rules. I just follow them maternal instinct style. Wait for the DVD!
       When you are without juveniles(or life's little justifications) and try to leave a party before the deemed acceptable departure time, you must endure the inevitable hazing of "you're lame, you're boring, you're old" or even worse "you're whipped" if your instinct is to blame your spouse in this situation. Not the case for those of us in the family way. A simple "well, the kids are done" suffices even the harshest of cynics. They don't want to see your children pass the point of no return any more than you do. Simple!
     I'm sure there are many more to add(7+ years and I'm still learning), but I don't have all day. Between the three spiders I have sprayed already(then working up the nerve to flush them down), watching my dog drag his umpteenth deer leg through the kitchen door(why do kids have to learn to work doors) and then chasing said dog down while he "re-finishes" the hard wood with rotten bone and slobber, this alone took three hours to write! But I'm sure I have more than proved the point that on the scale of life's perks, those of us toting tots carry more weight than you know! Winning!

Willingness To "Wiggle"

     Believe it or not, I can be extremely shy. It's true! It's also, no mystery (to those poor souls that know me best) that I am almost always awkward to talk to. There are uncomfortable pauses, I laugh way to much(and loud, yes I'm aware)and when I have nothing to say, whatever comment pops into my head is what comes out like a bullet. Then I get to spend the next three days reliving the conversation over and over again kicking myself for being such a dumbass. "Did I really just say that? I can't believe I said that! Why didn't I say this instead? What's wrong with you?" Imagine how much better conversations would go if you could pause time and think of your response before you give it? The time I would save stuttering out "um, um,um" alone would be incredible. But as nerve wracking as it can be, I don't let my own weirdness stop me from meeting new people or trying new things. I want to live!
      Take this weekend for instance. Thanks to my Dad finding this incredible place in Green River not only to live during the week, but also to play most weekends now(sorry people, we're here to stay on a semi-regular basis), I have had the chance on nearly every trip to enjoy the best of what the country lifestyle has to offer. So, once he told me that Saturday was another day plum full of possibilities to live it up Green River style, I signed up with black ink(which we all know is permanent, you can't erase that shit). An afternoon trap shoot with a long line of pickup trucks with their tailgates down and beds full of strangers is enough to bring out the meek side of this Momma and send me into my sleek "fade into the background" maneuver. But it also carries with it a chance to step up and display my mad clay pigeon marksmanship(and by mad I mean a whopping 6/50 kill ratio, impressive I know) and that's just a chance I will take every time it arises (bashful or not). However, these people aren't the kind you're shy, quiet or nervous around. No, they truly are the most comfort inducing, welcome smile giving group of "make you feel like you've known them forever and belong there" people I've ever met. True words! Five minutes in their presence and I had all but forgotten my lack of social skills and my trap shooting troubles(even the fact that my gun literally came apart in my hands). My only focus was all the fun being had effortlessly and that it was all just beginning.
     Luckily, we hadn't worn out our welcome yet(we had just met these people, give them a minute to realize the mistake they've made and how hard we're going to be to get rid of) and the invite was given out to a garage party/lamb roast. Well, far be it from me to forego any feast, whether the main course will be a first time food or not, I step up to any plate(pun intended). To say that I was delightfully surprised at how much I liked the lamb and how great of a job they did cooking it would not only not be under statements, they would also imply that I in no way made a fool out myself by eating a metric ton of mutton in one sitting...I did. Add another point for you, list of reasons to try new things. Touché.
    I don't need to you preach the power of trying new pursuits, it's a first person lesson to be learned. All I can do is suggest you stretch your own limits. We all know you have to stretch to stay loose and the same goes for your comfort zone. I for one don't want to get stiff, I don't want to crack and I damn sure don't want to spend any time on the injured list. So I will take my fears for a walk to keep my life limber. If for no other reason than to keep things interesting its worth it. If not for chances like this to take, how else would I have met such magnificent people or discover my new found love for the luscious taste of lamb? Live it up!

"Little" Life Lessons

      Have you ever thought of the advice we could take from our tots? We spend all of our sun ups to sun downs teaching them the ways of the world(however crazy they may be and we must also be to follow them) and all the lessons of life they need to get through it alive and with their character in tact. What is crazy is having the realization hit you that they're returning the favor our way ten fold all mysterious Mr. Miyagi style. It's probably happened more than once, but I finally opened my eyes to it and now I see the light! Hallelujah!
     Kids (at least my two sons) couldn't care less if they're the only person doing something. They just figure nobody else has discovered yet how awesome whatever they're doing at the moment, for the moment is(they can get away with having zero attention span while I just look like I hit my head as as a baby). "Oh you don't want in on this? Sweet, more fun for me then!" Easy! While we adults have to do the desperate dance of "Are you going? When are you going? When are you walking in though? I don't want to walk in alone!" What a waste of time.
      The adolescent crowd has also managed to figure out that less is more. Why over complicate something that doesn't need your help to be better? You want lunch? Make a peanut butter and Jelly. You don't need to worry about how many carbs, sodium, whole grain, fiber or servings of the fruit group you've already consumed that day or if your peanuts were grown organically on a farm that makes their mortgage payments on time and votes according to your belief system. Just eat the damn sandwich and savor the sweet/salty strawberry goodness. Simple!
      Have you ever tried to rush a person under 10 years old into being ready on time, finishing a project or doing anything really in whatever timely manner you feel is necessary? They don't care about schedules, appointments or being "fashionably late to an event. My seven year old takes his sweet time doing anything and everything to the point I look like a frustrated Yosemite Sam complete with smoke shooting out of my ears and my boots stomping the ground. On a daily basis, he can devote 45 minutes to eating a bowl of cereal and drag out a morning shower to the point I must break every traffic law known to man to delivery him to the drop off zone on time and beat the tardy bell. But he's happy with how his morning went (while I'm red faced and biting my tongue until it bleeds) and that's all that matters right? "Relax Mom, we'll get there. We always do." Take some time to smell the roses!
        When you really think about it, these kids have it all figured out. We did too at one point, we have just lost our lackadaisical luster after years of "evolving" into adulthood. I know I for one need to go back to obeying the "don't talk to strangers" rule every parent has taught their child from birth. Maybe then I'll stop having to spend my time waiting in line forcing small talk with people who then think it's ok to touch my kids or then follow me out to my truck carrying on a conversation about meatloaf. Awkward! But if we do start paying attention to the education they are giving us, it's not too late to gain our child like wonder back and enjoy this crazy "walk of life" we're living a little more. Cue the Dire Straits soundtrack!

Boredom Bashes

     Every once in a blue moon the sun rises for the new day and brings with it a rare gift. Not just for me, but for all the poor people that have no choice but to interact with me on a daily basis(happy wife, happy life). It's a there's "no have-to on the to-do" type of day. The top three terrible tasks have been done and all is as it should be in the world (if the world was an ideal environment devoid of any stress inducing triggers). The laundry is done(having boys makes this a frightening journey full of disgusting "discoveries"), the groceries are bought and the Math homework has been finished for another week(in related news, I'm out of Vodka). I feel like singing a song in Whoville town square Dr. Seuss style. Celebrate! So with the thought of having the next 4-6 hours free to spend as I please (minus the cleaning, running and figuring out what the hell that smell is in my seven year olds room), I have found three fun "national" holidays on the calendar to acknowledge somehow.
     The first on this list of looney celebrations is definitely for the braver of societal souls (depending how you choose to interpret it). It's a Hug A Bear holiday, which I also take as a "see how long it takes you to get mauled by a Yogi type" specimen day. Who wouldn't want to spend their afternoon wandering into the wild in hopes of embracing an enormous (ill-tempered) ball of fur, teeth and claws? Sign me up! Unless they're more referring to something along the lines of the Build-a-Bear breed. In that case, pick up your BooBoos or your Berensteins and commence with the cuddling.
        The next November the seventh festivity I found couldn't be more tailor made for this Mrs. than if I had planned it myself. It's National Bittersweet Chocolate With Almonds Day! That's right, an entire day devoted to something I think about at least twice a day on a bad day and would live off of alone If I wasn't worried about appearing at least semi-attractive for my adoring husband. Genius! I would also like to add that I've heard it is customary to give gifts of such sweets to those who write meaningless blogs you may enjoy reading(cough, me, cough). I wouldn't want you to to go through the day clueless to the details.
      Finally, I have without a doubt, saved the best for last. Today is actually National Men Make Dinner Day! No, you're not mis-reading this and no I haven't misprinted the title. Look it up! A day to turn the tables(pun intended) and let the masculine of the manor serve up the supper! In my house, this comes with a 90% possibility of Top Ramen and Grilled Cheese sandwiches being served up on a silver(paper plate/bowl)platter. Delicious! Consequently, side notes for this celebration read as follows: decisions not to participate in said "holiday" is considered Un-patriotic and could result in lack of appreciation in adult situations. Gentlemen, start your burners!
     With all of this information you know now, there is no reason to spend this beautiful fall day in a stupor of boredom. Whether you hug your chocolate bear shaped almond bar while waiting for your soup to be dished out or not, I'm going to live it up one way or another (in a responsible fashion, there is a two year old tagging along). And in the event you finish your list (or even before you start it) and you find yourself lacking something special to say, wish my "Baby Brother" and his sweet wife Amy a happy four year Anniversary today!

Pondered Pipe Dreams

      Last night, after spending some perfect family time watching Free Bird, (not so perfect, definitely no Monsters U) I came home in time witness a sweet new train wreck of a show called "Shahs of Sunset". It cements my thought that most Reality T.V. is a lifestyle so beyond 99.9999% of actuality for most people that it feels more like fiction to watch. I'm not going to lie, I love it. I do. I'm not here to bash their bling or rain on their riches, more power to them. Honestly, they're one of the more civilized casts of spoiled millionaire socialites gracing my playlist. But it did get me thinking of the age old question "what would you do if you had a million dollars?" First and foremost in my fantasy financial file, there are the obvious choices such as children's college funds, paying off the entire families mortgages, Disney world trips and many, many charitable donations, but I'd be remiss if I didn't ponder some pipe dreams while I'm at it. Fantastic!
      Without a doubt, my "largest" acquisition would have to be a mountain. Obviously. What better way to kick start my "newfound" lavish lifestyle than by owning a piece of property that literally spans the North/South/East/West skylines while providing a playground for nearly every recreational pastime my entire family enjoys? An actual hunting, fishing, camping, hiking, riding, hill climbing, donut spinning, drag racing, campfire telling, Dutch oven cooking private paradise? Yes please!  I would however, throw in running water and a drive-in(or ride in) movie theatre with on an demand stream of Westerns(we're enthusiasts here, not hillbillies).
      Also, with the coin to get creative, I could enjoy my dream career of being a "Culinary Connoisseur".  Some people dream of exploring the wonders of space, inventing the next must have gadget that changes life as we know it or performing their crafts in front of millions of adoring fans, I dream of getting paid to eat. Don't judge me. We could all travel the world and experience all the pleasures our palettes could handle all while my "clients" foot the bill for my food comas. Heavenly!
   Finally to complete this world of extravagancy and be able to revel in it, I would need one incredibly able do-it-all employee. She must be one carpool driving, gourmet(or taco) cooking, math tutoring, physically training, vacation planning and Angry Bird/Minion Rush playing son of a multi-tasker and she would be payed well(I'm nothing if not generous). Perfect! Who wouldn't want that job(sarcasm)?
    While my ideas may be unique, the premise they were provided by isn't in any way. Who hasn't bought a lottery ticket(while passing through Co. or Wy. for us Utahns) and let their mind wander over into the world of endless possibilities. It's fun to let that financially frugal side let down its inhibitions and dream.  After all, when your an adult, your imagination can lose it's power of persuasion. Why not let it live Peter Pan style for awhile?

Knocked Out By The "Knocked Up"

      Ah pregnancy, being with child, in the family way, expecting, having a bun in the oven, knocked up, buying tickets for two or even preggers(my least favorite). However you say it, it's the magical time when we create the miracle of life. It's breathtaking, beautiful, life-changing and any other word you can think of that fits the awe-inspiring event taking place in your own mid-regions. What it isn't however, is a time when your emotions are at their most stable of levels. The slightest "event" can throw us into what I call a catacomb full of crazy and there's no turning back from that descent(at least not for 38-40 weeks). So when interacting with a woman growing a pea in her pod, there is definitely a protocol to be followed. Handle with care! There should be a pamphlet available that an expecting woman can hand out whenever they feel they may encounter a person lacking the common knowledge to make it through this interaction with both parties left unscathed. "You Too Can Talk To Women: Pregnancy Edition. A list of conversational "don'ts" for engaging with the (temporarily) emotional.
   Don't ever(EVER) make an assumption regarding the amount of children gestating within a woman's womb! Obviously, the words "Awe, twins" should never leave your mouth unless you have a verified, signed, sealed, stamped and notarized document from the woman herself and her doctor that there is in fact more than one infant pending delivery.  Tread as if on the thinnest of ice with whatever words you use. "You look so good," or "pregnancy looks great on you" are always safe choices. Choose wisely.
     Also, refrain from uttering anything regarding how "tired" they may appear. Of course they are tired! Not only are they producing a life form inside of themselves and packing said being around with them like a kangaroo for 9 months, they're are doing it without a ever getting a good nights rest. It's a cruel truth! You tuck a 5-9 lb.(or God forbid larger, yikes) bowling ball that likes to kick your kidneys for fun under you shirt and see how deep into a slumber you can get. There are bags under her eyes for good reason. Now would be a good time to time to flawlessly deliver a "you're positively glowing" type sentiment. Use your head people!
     Finally, never under any circumstances guess how close to a woman's due date she is based on your layman's observation of her "circumference". When posing the question "when are you due", know that this woman's fragile feelings are literally hanging on your response to whatever answer she gives. I once had a neighbor slap me with the statement "when are you going to have that baby already" two months after my first son had been born. Ouch! Words like "wow, I would have guessed it was a lot further away than that" or "you don't look nearly that far along" are always ideal answers. Be prepared!
      While not everyone has experienced the marathon that is maternity, (obviously men, we're not watching "Junior" here) you have no doubt been in contact with a "with child" woman once in your lifetime. Use your common(or surprisingly uncommon) sense here. Yes they may seem like a big bag of crazy now, but trust in the fact that they won't always be this unpredictable puzzle of a person. The original version of her is in there somewhere and they will return eventually. In the meantime, handle with care like your life depends on it...cause it very well may.

Thanks goes to Heele Mascaro Eden for the great topic. Maybe we can change the world one clueless citizen at a time.

Five Things I Wish I Knew Five Years Ago

     This weekend while watching Monsters U an insane number of times and Lysoling(word?) the ever loving "crap" out of this plagued house, I caught myself realizing how different I am now than I was five years ago. No, not in the mirror image, (so far I have eluded those gray hairs, crows feet and smile lines like a wanted criminal) I'm talking more about my attitude and outlook. Think of all the wasted time and energy I could have saved if I had only knew then what I know now!  Maddening! So I thought, why not make a list of lessons I could save myself from learning the hard way? Obviously I'm no Physicist, but with all these technological advances we can't be that far off from time travel being a reality right? "Bring around the DeLorean, Doc!"

1: Just say no! Obviously to drugs, but I'm talking to anything you don't want to do in general. Someone asks you to do something that to them may sound amazingly entertaining but to you sounds like a form of punishment dealt out by a prison warden, say no. You didn't know that was an option did you? It is! Interesting isn't it? As a mature learned adult full of experience you now have the ability and the know how to avoid putting yourself in places you don't want to be doing things you don't want to do. But do be polite about it, we're not assholes over here.

2: Let your kids be kids while they can. I swear my second son got a way cooler mom than my first did. If they like Thomas and want to play it incessantly every chance they get, let them! They'll realize the epitome of annoyance soon enough! If they're tired and grumpy, then they are. You don't have to make excuses to people of why your kid isn't laughing and smiling every time you run into anybody. That's not your fault. Truthfully, you wish you could just sit on the floor sticking your lip out like a bird perch when you're sleepy and don't feel like being sociable. You can only pull off that move for a couple years before that window closes and you have to put on your big boy pants and deal with it. Jealous!

3:  Eat the damn pizza! Five years ago I was a calorie counting son of a B and many of the family pizza/movie nights consisted of everyone around me savoring the sweet taste of sausage and pepperoni, while I tried to pretend I was just as satisfied with a salad! You're not fooling anyone and you know now that nobody ever got fat over a weekend. Relax looney tunes! Have that slice of Hawaiian paradise and enjoy yourself.

4: You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. If you have someone "just stop by" for a visit and you're nowhere near prepared(meaning you're wearing stained sweatpants and there's Crunch-berries in a five foot radius around the chairs your kids are breakfast on) don't stress about it. Laugh it off. You're never going to wake up ready(unless you go to bed dressed already and even then you'd have mascara streaks that would make Alice Cooper cry) or have a house devoid of stray Legos, Matchbox cars and gram cracker crumbs. Just drink you're coffee with the peace of mind of knowing that their house probably looks the same or worse. That's why they're here.

5: Be yourself. You've read the adage on every motivational meme there is saying that "those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind", well pay attention you idiot.  You've spent the last thirty years cultivating a circle of comrades that not only know you, they love you(I've never claimed they had good judgement). They've seen your slalom ski dance, heard your high pitched squeal exclamation "whaaaat" every five minutes and they've even seen you close to unconsciousness because you can't laugh hysterically and breathe at the same time(that's impossible). If they were going to run, they'd be halfway to Tokyo by now avoiding you like the plague. But here they are, laughing at your humor and encouraging your nonsense. Thank them for they're patience and keep on trucking down the road with your never graceful gait of awesomeness. You're not half bad.

Now all I need is a flux capacitor and this list is good as delivered.(Back To The Future reference kids, educate yourself)

Hair Raising Detail

     Well if you are either a cave dweller (or occupy a much less technologically driven lifestyle than I do) and haven't seen the Facebook posts, e-cards, calendar reminders,text messages, etc., today marks the beginning of " No-Shave November". A tradition where for this entire month there is a "no razors allowed policy.  Pretty self explanatory really. If you have the ability to do so and your place of employment has yet to implement a "clean appearance" policy(cough, Yankees, cough), here is your chance to scruff it up and wear it proud. However, this did get me thinking about all the many, many activities Men can do openly and proudly (also, requiring much less effort) than women can. (Disclaimer: maybe this isn't one for the kiddies to read...up to you).

    For beginning, let's start with an obvious example(also,fitting for today), shaving. If you're of the male persuasion, it's not only easy, it's literally effortless. "Don't spend five extra minutes every morning grooming and share a comradery of hairy glory with every able man/boy I meet on the street?Deal,  I feel like a Viking!" On the opposite side of the Gender table though, here we women sit. Do we participate? Not only is it equally as painless for us as for our counterparts (more so if you factor in the sheer surface size difference between the two), the time saved in our morning routine alone is game changing! Plus, we could also share the bond and compare each others progress(or not, I don't know your life). But there is obviously the intimacy problem where the fairness factor comes into play. Not only can a mans scruff or buxom beard is viewed as a symbol of his manhood, it's also sexy(unless its not, again I don't know your life). Traditionally though, the same can't be said for a female for obvious reasons. One being that its not 1970 anymore and two, our clothes can be far less forgiving in the concealment aspect(not during winter temperatures though, just saying).

   Which brings me to another process that's just easier for males, temperature control. If you're hot, just start removing items from your upper body at whatever pace needed to maintain an ideal climate. Want to go swimming in a creek to cool down, take it off! Mowing the lawn and your tank top is suddenly suffocating, strip!  Simple. Again, not the same for a female though. This has to be one that I can't argue enough the importance of. That's right, I agree. Sorry if our viewpoints vary on the topic and yes,I am often guilty of sporting the short shorts(it's hard not to when your eight feet tall and yes, they are personally preferred over their knee length partners). But, there is nothing more awkward than coming face to face with an area better left to a "private" eye if you know what I mean(true story, Wave Pool 2003). Keep it classy Carbon County. 

    While this list could go on for days and I'm sure debates could be made to the contrary, the truth stands that men (maybe not all men, I'm looking at you metrosexuals) enjoy a much easier lifestyle for the basic behaviors.  We haven't even mentioned peeing in the great outdoors when you're a woman(not even close to debatable) or how different eating a corn dog/popsicle/drinking a bottle beer, etc. is for us. Proceed with caution!  I do have to say though, that while  "No-shave November" may not mean the same outcome for us (especially for the non-single among us), we without a doubt enjoy a long list of our own gender based perks. There's the simpleness of receiving free drinks, being able to order a fruity one with the judgmental stares, getting out of speeding tickets(I failed this test of femininity), no fear of asking directions(we're proud of finding our destinations flawlessly) and wearing be-dazzled tight pants is not only expected, its complimented. Yes, when you factor in the fringe benefits of being female, the gender gap closes faster than you can say "nice beard".