Parental Perks

I know I have written about kids so much that most of you with a low tolerance for anything familial related have already blocked me weeks ago. What can I say? The little buggers have a way of taking over your every waking thought, move, habit, hobby or any other thing that originally didn't directly pertain to their pre-pubescent needs. They're selfish that way. To be fair though, I also have to read your Facebook posts, your Instagrams or just hear your comments in passing about your quiet dinners, your spur of the moment mini-vacations and your mid-week movie nights(you bastards do like to brag). It goes both ways. So, I thought why not take this chance to provide some insight into the perks that are only provided while being in the throws of parenthood. That's right, we're digging into the bag of tricks like a Halloween sack harboring one last mini snickers in its depths.
     Let's start with an obvious one being that it was only lived out two weeks ago. It's Trick or Treating! You can't just go door-to-door sans child and expect to be dealt out the same sweets. We all know the anger felt at the sight of a teenager way past the prime age or size for participation(which is harder if you're like me and hit 5' 10" by the time your 12), let alone some rogue adult out begging for some Reese's Pieces. Can't do it!
      What about trying to take in an animated movie without any adolescents in your party? We've all seen it. I spent half of Cars 2 wondering what the weirdo sitting in front of my son was really up to. A solo man over 50 enjoying the exploits of a cartoon race car and his tow truck buddy raises more than just eyebrows when spotted in the center row. Don't blame me, I didn't write the rules. I just follow them maternal instinct style. Wait for the DVD!
       When you are without juveniles(or life's little justifications) and try to leave a party before the deemed acceptable departure time, you must endure the inevitable hazing of "you're lame, you're boring, you're old" or even worse "you're whipped" if your instinct is to blame your spouse in this situation. Not the case for those of us in the family way. A simple "well, the kids are done" suffices even the harshest of cynics. They don't want to see your children pass the point of no return any more than you do. Simple!
     I'm sure there are many more to add(7+ years and I'm still learning), but I don't have all day. Between the three spiders I have sprayed already(then working up the nerve to flush them down), watching my dog drag his umpteenth deer leg through the kitchen door(why do kids have to learn to work doors) and then chasing said dog down while he "re-finishes" the hard wood with rotten bone and slobber, this alone took three hours to write! But I'm sure I have more than proved the point that on the scale of life's perks, those of us toting tots carry more weight than you know! Winning!