Birds with an attitude and their little pigs too!

I'm convinced that the people behind Angry Birds have no kids, want no kids, despise anyone that does and go out of their way trying to drive them bat shit crazy. I picture them spending months of their leisure time plotting the demise of parents all over the world! Maybe I'm alone on this.  Some of you may be immune to the sound of screeching devil birds accompanied by music I'm sure could be used as a torture devise (you're missing a huge market CIA).  To be fair, I didn't always feel this way. Like everyone I thought "How funny! Look you shoot the pigs, this is great!" But not like everyone, I have a son that cannot just "like" something. He never says to himself "Ya that's pretty fun, lets do something else now." No, this kid goes into all out psycho obsessed mode I call it. He lives and breaths whatever new thing he's into and it takes over his  every waking thought and activity!  I think the ABA(Angry Birds Assholes) know this too. I think they have a device hidden in our house somewhere that tracks his interest. Just when he's fading, he has put the IPad down and may be on his way outside to ride a bike or something(stranger things have happened), Bam commercial for a new useless toy that you must have if you want to live another minute!! Aww...so close! Then just when he has played all the levels, learned all the tricks, asked anyone within ear shot 511 times if they saw that shot he just made and his finger is getting dangerously close to the exit game button...Bam NEWEST EDITION JUST RELEASED!! The poor kid has no chance, he can't resist and he damn sure cant be the only kid at recess that doesn't know very detail about Original Angry Birds, Holiday edition, Friends, Star Wars...etc! "What are you nuts Mom, Why would I want to look up or use my legs? That's crazy talk"! Believe it or not though, I have figured out how to use all of this passion in a useful and beneficial way! You want rooms cleaned, homework done, dogs fed, baby brothers toy fixed? One promise of 10 IPAD minutes and its done baby! Take that evil geniuses! ....it goes without saying what direction Halloween is going.

Sleeping Giant?

There are many things I don't  know, I mean really the list is endless. But in my vast(7+)years of experience I have learned one fact to be true. Nap time is by far the most useful and the most eagerly anticipated time of my day....every day. I spend all morning looking forward to it (especially since the pushing through of molars has turned my normally sweet, adorable child into into a screaming banshee from the netherworlds)! I prepare every detail down to the timing of Cams bus and the hour of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Disney blesses me with every afternoon. To  utilize the entire 57-75 1/2 minutes in the way I planned to, I have to have a plan. Literally, the possibilities are endless! 

     We have now, however, come to the phase in every toddlers life when they rebel against the system and protest! NO NAPS is their war cry and he screams it loud and proud! Since this started what seems like a lifetime ago (two weeks) I have pulled every learned trick out of my bag. I played the slow music, put a blanket over his blinds for sleepy mood lighting, soft toys, warm milk, everything! This kid is resilient....and he's tricky! He'll make no sounds, throws no toys against the wall, does everything to make me think on the other side of that door is a sleeping giant getting his much needed beauty rest. But no, not at all!  He's just in there relaxing, waiting for his moment to spring it on me"Not today Momma!" Sometimes it happens right away, sometimes just when I'm tying on my shoes and cuing up whatever motivational movie I have recorded for the occasion and then somedays he times it just right and screams out from behind me just when I've hit my stride and I barely save my face from slamming against the treadmill Ridiculousness style. But I'm not ready to give up! I will win this war even though I have lost most of the battles! .....I better buy a book or something.

   

Tough It Out

I have put it off long enough. I have made excuse after excuse hoping somebody(Chris),anybody(Chris), would do it for me but nobody is touching this with a 10...even 20 foot pole. Now I hope I'm not alone or you're all going to think way less of me then you already do (if that's possible) but I have "the Mom Car". This poor broken soul seems to attract any loose toy, book, wrapper, cup, Lego head, French fry or half eaten granola bar within a 2 block radius.  It doesn't always look this way and I haven't always been this lackadaisical in my interior maintenance. Then again I didn't always have 2 "pig pens" to peddle around that care as much about my truck looking good as they do about the price of tea in China. But I do make it a point to climb this mountain about every 4 months.....maybe. This time it's different though. Something sinister is lurking in it's depths. It's terrifying, it's hidden and it smells like nothing I have come across in my thirty years and I have spent roughly 5 of those changing diapers....it's that bad.  I feel like Walter Matthau in Grumpy Old Men when Jack Lemmon hid that fish in his car!

   So first things first right? I've crossed off the usual suspects. Rogue sippy cup..nope.  Half smashed McDonalds cheeseburger in the seat(that's never happened, but nothing's impossible)...nope. Some mystery baggie fallen from a lunchbox....nothing! What now? My poor "fresh scent" air freshener is ready to quit, it didn't sign up for this. Good thing too, that "fresh shit" smell isn't fooling anyone. So here I am. No shortcuts, no cover-ups, no bribing is going to work. It's time to put on my big girl panties and tough it out.  I vow to spend this Thursday doing whatever it takes to solve this mystery. I have to! And if its not enough.......what's a good neighborhood to visit if one were to "accidentally" abandon a truck with the keys in it, the engine running and the door open?

We're Having a Heat Wave.

Today is the day that I both dread and look forward to every year. It's inevitable. It's unavoidable (and other words that mean that it's just happening folks). I wake up to make the coffee and pack Chris lunch like I have every work day for nine years. I walk down the stairs onto the wood floor and into what feels like a walk in cooler at a gas station(when you're used to 80 degrees the day before). I think "How the hell does this happen every year?" There's no warning. No slow cool down to give your body time to acclimate. It's just BAM sucker, Falls here! Now to get you to understand, I hate cold(and by cold I mean anything under 70 degrees). There's not much I do hate actually, LOTS of dislikes, but only cold brings out the dark side in me. 

So now I have the dilemma. I want the heat. I want to hear the furnace kick on and feel that life saving musty air pouring out of the vent like my life depends on it.  So I start thinking, how do I do this? The timing has to be right. From when the pilot roars to when the air comes out is a 1 minute 43 second window that has to run seamlessly together with the time it takes Chris to get out the door or I'll get the talk. The "it's only 66 degrees in here, put on a jacket talk". Its terrible. So I listen carefully for my window and I make my move. I push that button and it feels like power personified! Now to sit and drink my coffee like its nobodies business (ACT NORMAL)!  Did I do it? How's my timing? I can here him coming down the stairs but I can't look because my face gives away lies like a 5 year old. Then I hear it....the air...it's faster than I remember it was. Chris:"Dammit, already? It's only 66 degrees in here!" .......so close. Better luck next year.

A Blog About Nothing.

A blog about nothing.

After some suggestion, some pushing and some joking about starting a blog, my mind decides 9:13 on a Tuesday with some trashy reality DVR episodes on the T.V. (and a looming trip to the grocery store to put off) that it was as good of a time as any. 

   It all started with a joint Facebook account, (Chris Austin Cowan)which I know every "single" person on my friends list has bitched about more than twice. You write a bio, you pick a picture to show the world your ugly mug every time they see your page and away you go. Of course there are the First day of school pics(also a single" friends pet peeve), there are talks of vacation plans and a point of pride for me, a lack of "selfies" on my part. But among the fluff, there are also my actual life experiences or observations. I have never been the Mom that spends the picnic afternoons at the park talking about my kids ideal manners and behavior. Desperately trying to play perfect. Words like "Oh my kids are angels all of the time and life is never messy for me" have never come out of this mouth.  Because they aren't and  it is! It is messy. It's crazy, hilarious, tricky, interesting, frustrating and yes, made more enjoyable thanks to alcohol. I don't care if you drink, I do and I recommend it to anyone (21 years of age at least and not while driving. Obviously.)  The posts I make are things that really happen to me, or thoughts that I actually have. I'm not always proud of them but I don't sugarcoat them either and anyone who knows me likes me for that. At least I think they do or their really great at pretending which I appreciate. I hope that this blog will work much the same way, just with longer entries. So feel free to read along, laugh at my expense right along with me and feel free to comment too! I love the comments people make to me, it proves they get my humor and appreciate my honesty about this crazy life we all live. Enjoy.