1: Just say no! Obviously to drugs, but I'm talking to anything you don't want to do in general. Someone asks you to do something that to them may sound amazingly entertaining but to you sounds like a form of punishment dealt out by a prison warden, say no. You didn't know that was an option did you? It is! Interesting isn't it? As a mature learned adult full of experience you now have the ability and the know how to avoid putting yourself in places you don't want to be doing things you don't want to do. But do be polite about it, we're not assholes over here.
2: Let your kids be kids while they can. I swear my second son got a way cooler mom than my first did. If they like Thomas and want to play it incessantly every chance they get, let them! They'll realize the epitome of annoyance soon enough! If they're tired and grumpy, then they are. You don't have to make excuses to people of why your kid isn't laughing and smiling every time you run into anybody. That's not your fault. Truthfully, you wish you could just sit on the floor sticking your lip out like a bird perch when you're sleepy and don't feel like being sociable. You can only pull off that move for a couple years before that window closes and you have to put on your big boy pants and deal with it. Jealous!
3: Eat the damn pizza! Five years ago I was a calorie counting son of a B and many of the family pizza/movie nights consisted of everyone around me savoring the sweet taste of sausage and pepperoni, while I tried to pretend I was just as satisfied with a salad! You're not fooling anyone and you know now that nobody ever got fat over a weekend. Relax looney tunes! Have that slice of Hawaiian paradise and enjoy yourself.
4: You get what you get and you don't throw a fit. If you have someone "just stop by" for a visit and you're nowhere near prepared(meaning you're wearing stained sweatpants and there's Crunch-berries in a five foot radius around the chairs your kids are breakfast on) don't stress about it. Laugh it off. You're never going to wake up ready(unless you go to bed dressed already and even then you'd have mascara streaks that would make Alice Cooper cry) or have a house devoid of stray Legos, Matchbox cars and gram cracker crumbs. Just drink you're coffee with the peace of mind of knowing that their house probably looks the same or worse. That's why they're here.
5: Be yourself. You've read the adage on every motivational meme there is saying that "those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind", well pay attention you idiot. You've spent the last thirty years cultivating a circle of comrades that not only know you, they love you(I've never claimed they had good judgement). They've seen your slalom ski dance, heard your high pitched squeal exclamation "whaaaat" every five minutes and they've even seen you close to unconsciousness because you can't laugh hysterically and breathe at the same time(that's impossible). If they were going to run, they'd be halfway to Tokyo by now avoiding you like the plague. But here they are, laughing at your humor and encouraging your nonsense. Thank them for they're patience and keep on trucking down the road with your never graceful gait of awesomeness. You're not half bad.
Now all I need is a flux capacitor and this list is good as delivered.(Back To The Future reference kids, educate yourself)
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